Hiding in Shadows

More and more I feel as if I do nothing but hide in the shadows. This is both in my personal life and in my fantasy life as well. For several weeks I have allowed a friend of mine to come stay with me. Now its not like at my house its only me here. There is also my sister with her three kids and my mother. But I digress you see my friend needed a place to stay with her kids. So being the kind of friend that I am I spent hours convincing everyone else here to let her, her children and of course the dead beat she calls her boyfriend to come stay. Now at first things though extremely cramped has worked okay. Once shower schedules had been made of course. Lately though...its been nothing but hell. My friends boyfriend..lets call him Joe. Is a total asshole. If things do not go his way he pouts like a small child. He refuses to work but chose instead to go to school. Okay while yes this is commendable. He has since complained each and everyday of how hard it is. How he wants to now quit it and find work. Though when he gets a job he does same thing in a couple of weeks and quits that as well. My friend has to support him, her children and of course his son from a previous marriage. Now this ...teen is nothing but a pain in the ass. Sorry but if he is the sign of what today youth is going to become. Give me a gun to end it all now.

So as you can see home life..insane. Work for me right now is even harder. With everyone here and doing a day care to boot. Its stressful to say the least. Personal life..oh boy. Okay to say that I am in a pickle is a bit of a understatement. I have a boyfriend who lives in Virgina right now. Keep in mind he is 21 to my 33. Not only that but we have yet to meet. The one time I tried to go see him I suffered panic attacks and to top it off was mugged. Now its highly doubtful that we ever shall meet. He has done stated that he will not and I quote "wait forever" so if I do not go see him..its over. So I wait for him to leave me. Why not just dump him? Simply I..yes in my moment of brilliance promised not to break up with him unless it was face to face. Cam does not count though. So I am stuck waiting for the inevitable. Its not like that I did not know this relationship was doomed from the start. It has several flaws. One..age difference, two.. he hates kids and I love them, three.. his main priorities in life is pot and gaming on X box, four..when he asked me out I kid you not he asked me to get my answer just after dumping his old girlfriend. Then told me to hold onto that thought as he waits for the answer from a couple of others he asked the very same thing from. A few hours later he came back and said "I love you and your my girlfriend." Yea a real inspirational and loving moment. NOT! He flirts with everything with tits, and calls every girl lover or love. Not that I am a jealous person but that even for me is a bit much. He also lies about talking to some and hides relationships with other woman. Who he says are only "friends" okay again trying my very best to not be one of those girlfriends.

All my friends say to dump him even a ex girlfriend of his who thinks and knows he is nothing but no good. But am bound by my promise.

Now I have a friend lets call him...Jhonny. Now he and I have been talking for awhile. While he is only a little closer in age. He still lives in a different state than I do. While unlike the other he is willing to come to see me. Even take me as in escort me to where he lives and back. So I do not have another panic attack as I try to travel. Jhonny has not once asked for any nude images, dirty talk, money, or anything. He simply wants me for me. Now this also scares the shit out of me. I mean come on my track record with men..lets say I hit lower then the bottom of that barrel. I want to trust him and just say screw it all, break my word and leap blindly into his arms. Yet I am terrified to do so as well. What if he is just as bad as every other ass in my life. What if this is just another smooth talker who will say what he needs to do to have me then once he does abuses me.

I can take a punch like a pro. No problem. Its this emotional shit that kills me.
*sigh* So yes I have no idea what to do anymore with anything. I cannot say what is in my mind or heart in fear of hurting others. Which is not something I want to do.

So am stuck hiding in these damn shadows. Until even the tiniest glimmer of light reaches out to me.