Hiding in Shadows

More and more I feel as if I do nothing but hide in the shadows. This is both in my personal life and in my fantasy life as well. For several weeks I have allowed a friend of mine to come stay with me. Now its not like at my house its only me here. There is also my sister with her three kids and my mother. But I digress you see my friend needed a place to stay with her kids. So being the kind of friend that I am I spent hours convincing everyone else here to let her, her children and of course the dead beat she calls her boyfriend to come stay. Now at first things though extremely cramped has worked okay. Once shower schedules had been made of course. Lately though...its been nothing but hell. My friends boyfriend..lets call him Joe. Is a total asshole. If things do not go his way he pouts like a small child. He refuses to work but chose instead to go to school. Okay while yes this is commendable. He has since complained each and everyday of how hard it is. How he wants to now quit it and find work. Though when he gets a job he does same thing in a couple of weeks and quits that as well. My friend has to support him, her children and of course his son from a previous marriage. Now this ...teen is nothing but a pain in the ass. Sorry but if he is the sign of what today youth is going to become. Give me a gun to end it all now.

So as you can see home life..insane. Work for me right now is even harder. With everyone here and doing a day care to boot. Its stressful to say the least. Personal life..oh boy. Okay to say that I am in a pickle is a bit of a understatement. I have a boyfriend who lives in Virgina right now. Keep in mind he is 21 to my 33. Not only that but we have yet to meet. The one time I tried to go see him I suffered panic attacks and to top it off was mugged. Now its highly doubtful that we ever shall meet. He has done stated that he will not and I quote "wait forever" so if I do not go see him..its over. So I wait for him to leave me. Why not just dump him? Simply I..yes in my moment of brilliance promised not to break up with him unless it was face to face. Cam does not count though. So I am stuck waiting for the inevitable. Its not like that I did not know this relationship was doomed from the start. It has several flaws. One..age difference, two.. he hates kids and I love them, three.. his main priorities in life is pot and gaming on X box, four..when he asked me out I kid you not he asked me to get my answer just after dumping his old girlfriend. Then told me to hold onto that thought as he waits for the answer from a couple of others he asked the very same thing from. A few hours later he came back and said "I love you and your my girlfriend." Yea a real inspirational and loving moment. NOT! He flirts with everything with tits, and calls every girl lover or love. Not that I am a jealous person but that even for me is a bit much. He also lies about talking to some and hides relationships with other woman. Who he says are only "friends" okay again trying my very best to not be one of those girlfriends.

All my friends say to dump him even a ex girlfriend of his who thinks and knows he is nothing but no good. But am bound by my promise.

Now I have a friend lets call him...Jhonny. Now he and I have been talking for awhile. While he is only a little closer in age. He still lives in a different state than I do. While unlike the other he is willing to come to see me. Even take me as in escort me to where he lives and back. So I do not have another panic attack as I try to travel. Jhonny has not once asked for any nude images, dirty talk, money, or anything. He simply wants me for me. Now this also scares the shit out of me. I mean come on my track record with men..lets say I hit lower then the bottom of that barrel. I want to trust him and just say screw it all, break my word and leap blindly into his arms. Yet I am terrified to do so as well. What if he is just as bad as every other ass in my life. What if this is just another smooth talker who will say what he needs to do to have me then once he does abuses me.

I can take a punch like a pro. No problem. Its this emotional shit that kills me.
*sigh* So yes I have no idea what to do anymore with anything. I cannot say what is in my mind or heart in fear of hurting others. Which is not something I want to do.

So am stuck hiding in these damn shadows. Until even the tiniest glimmer of light reaches out to me.

will I ever find
someone just for me
someone to call my own
someone I can kiss
cause that is something I sure do miss
Someone I can love
give my hole heart to
give my all to
someone I can be friends and lovers with
It seems I will just die
with this lonely heart
there has got to be
Someone Just For Me
I ache to be loved so bad
something I wished I had
if I had nothing else I would not care
as long as I had love there

Brought down as a gift from Heaven
Laid out so innocent and pure
One so young, with so much to give
Being taken away from those who need her

Not one single dry eye in this horrid smelling place
So cold, ... and clinical..
Family and friends huddled close together
Weeping and recounting tales of joy

With the sound of dying laughter
A broken sob cuts through the silence
A sorrow-filled wail, screaming .. in my head
Make it stop.. please.. someone.. make it stop

This sound of loneliness is just ringing in my ears
For some reason I cannot move, only stand off to the side
I watch those in the room, some sitting quietly, some chatting off about
Arrangements with the Director now being finalized

I feel a tug at the corner of my shirt, my imagination is running away with me
I don't want to be here, yet I can't make myself leave
Looking down at the small solemn face below, I can see the lack of understanding
Deep in those sea deep pools, that seem to be staring me through

I remember now, clear as day, as if it had only happened moments ago
Flooding memories come crashing through, breaking all the barriers I had erected
So long ago, I tried so hard, I had almost certainly forgotten
But what lies here now, is nothing I know
Vibrant and beautiful, amorous and funny
THESE are things that course through my veins
THESE are the memories that fill me now with loneliness
Desolation has now set in

Where do I go now..
What do I do..
Who is there to talk to..
That understands me like only you..

I am biting back the bitter tears that ache in the pit of my throat
I keep a solemn face to those who don't know me at all
A deep realization has now set in, You won't be there when I get home
Frustration and Guilt are deeply rooted within my being

There is something I forgot to tell you..
Ok Ok.. I didn't forget..but I put it off too long
I hope you're out there listening, in some way shape.. or form

I want to curl up, in a little ball
I don't want to face the world
It's cold and harsh, it's what I've come to live with
But you.. always.. made it bearable

I feel physical pain, deep inside
So deep, and I just can't reach it
I can't bring myself to shed a tear, and yet I feel my soul bleeding
Incomplete, and empty.. please.. please help me..
I don't want this ache to go away
I'm afraid to stop hurting, in case I forget
I am afraid to forget you,
Today for a moment, I forgot your face
I got really angry
I looked at you every day, and yet my mind couldn't draw your picture
I took out a photograph from only a week ago
...7 short days ago
Smiling brightly..
Your eyes were full of laughter
Surely you had pulled a prank
The sound of your laughter haunts me at night
When everything else is silent

I don't know if I can do this without you
You are one of the very few, that proved I could trust
The nasty things I pulled, just to see if you'd let go
The things I did to test you, to see if you'd slip away
Ample opportunity, boy, I gave you lots
But you pulled me closer, and you held me tighter
With your words, with your thoughts, with your kindness
You were the first person, to show me what kindness was you know
What it meant.. no strings attached
I don't think I've found another that could do as you've done
I pushed you as far away, as anyone could be
Yet the harder I pushed, the deeper rooted your heels
And you earned my respect, you earned my trust
From you, I learned patience, from you, I learned love

This is very hard, it's not easy at all..
I took you for granted, I assumed you would always be there
I took advantage of time, and I let myself be fooled
I thought .. I had forever..

I missed the signs that were directly in front of me
I wonder now .. how I could have been so blind
To feel your arms around me one more time, the ones I had turned away from
Too stubborn to accept that I needed.. that I wanted you close

I feel .. guilty.. for being left behind, and that you're gone
A sadness I can't even describe, the loneliness, too much to bear...
You.. were the one.. my God.. this is so.. fucking.. unfair
How can something so good, be taken..and me left behind

I feel.. so.. guilty.. for being alive, to be able to step outside, to enjoy the sunlight, to enjoy life, as dull as it is
I feel guilty..for being alive

You always looked deep inside, and managed to find some good
Leaving me with a comforting smile as you touched my cheek
You were made of magic, a true inspiration indeed
Never taking more credit than what was yours,
Never making more of a deal than what it was
Never seeking approval, just knowing it would be there
You always found a reason to laugh
Usually at yourself
I learned to love to laugh
You taught me to find the good, discard the bad
You taught me to have strong opinions, to stand for what I believe in
You taught me to stand up, even against my friends, against injustice.
You taught me pride, how to hold my head up, even when it was so heavy
You showed me how to take responsibility, for what was mine
You could have walked away
But you didn't
You could have turned your back
it was what I expected
You could have simply not cared
No one would have blamed you
You could have written me off as trash
I don't think I would have been disappointed
Instead you shocked me, and those around
You took me in, you gave me what I craved, what I needed, what I desired
and I didn't even know it at the time
I didn't know, that I wanted... that I needed, to be loved
and yet.. there it was
You showed me.. what "unconditional" meant"
You showed me.. that being wrong, wasn't bad
You showed me.. that I can learn from mistakes, and that I can move on
You showed me.. how to be my own person
You showed me.. that I didn't have to be everyone else's person, but that I was fine to be my own
You showed me.. that it was alright to like myself......


..............

In a way.. I'm glad
You will remain beautiful, patient .. and seemingly so untouched by life's harshness, for all of eternity
And that.. is what I'll remember..
You had that way about you, that nothing bothered you, nothing got you down
I loved that about you, your inner strength, your rebellious core, and yet, .. still maintaining a fragile.. sensitive....... touch

The touch of your fingers, damp.. from quickly drying them after doing dishes, thoughtlessly patting my head
The harshness of your voice as you called out a warning
The gruff but gentle way you had of making things alright
I can't find enough words to explain how wonderful you are
Or to voice out in the open, things I had buried for so long

I am so.. so.. sorry
Those words are so insignificant, they ring false, and empty
But I know.. if you were here, they'd be enough..
I know.. if you were here.. you'd offer a smile and scoop me up in a hug, that out of habit I would squirm away from, being "too cool" for that sort of thing
I know.. that if you were here..I'd be happy again
I can't promise that I wouldn't take advantage..
I just loved you too much to share
You were a constant, you were a rock, you were forever mine
You are the best friend.. I've ever had in my whole life..
Without you, I would have never learned what that was
Because of you, I understand..
I know that if you were here, you'd wave your hand and you'd dismiss it
You were humble, always.. but I never missed the sparkle in your eyes
I saw how it made you happy to hear
and I just never showed you in the ways I probably could have


What I do know, is that wherever you are, if there is a Heaven..
That You've returned home, and that you're the brightest star out every night
That you're the loudest boom of thunder in a storm
That you're the first raindrop to drop from the sky..
And that you're the rainbow that beautifies the receding storm

I hope.. that wherever you are..You aren't disappointed
I hope.. that you're proud..
I hope.. You're still smiling on me.

I love you.

We speak on the breath of winged messengers
Our souls touch in flights of fancy
The fates have set us before each other
To fulfill our secret desires
Let us hide ourselves from the outside world
Let us seek solace in our stolen moments
May our bodies combine to form as one
And our minds meld into cherished moments, never to be forgotten

You cut off my wings, and laughed at my pain
It mattered not their color, they were just there
You are angered that I miss them
Cant stand to see me grow them back
You rip and tear, each time they come
Happy to see me bleed for your cause
What is so bad about me?
Why do you hate me so?
I have done nothing to you
What are you so afraid of?
I know my happiness matters not
But why wont you let me be?
I cannot turn my dark wings light
I cannot do what you want me to do
I beg you, take me as I am or let me go
this fight shall never end
I ache to be free,
Where I can fly again

A prince, I think, is a king in training.
What better mate?
Than to fall for
and in with
a man who lives for the journey.

Hmmm...
sent Ithica, by Cavafy.
The forever lesson that
we orchestrate our journeys.
To embrace this responsibility,
I think,
is to have the power to melt the wall.
And be free
within any confine.

What better journeyman
to beside me?
Behold me
manage aid
and use me
as tool
to do the same
for himself and his journey.

What better romance?
Than an affair,
great in influence;
than the melding
of two journeys
even for a time.

Great love, I think...
is the invocation
of togetherness,
of posession and belonging,
the gift of creating a home
for the hearts and minds
of two adventurers...
nd adventure in its own right.

Brightly I burn
As in the dark I turn
Flying faster on my own feet
Than I have ever flown.
Brightly I burn
Into the night

Brightly I burn
As the world turns
I glow in the dark as it creeps through the forest.
I glow in the dark as it creeps through the meadows.
I will continue to burn until the hour is nigh
And upon my release, I will be doused

Brightly I burn
Though the world doesn't know
Hidden deep within the leering of flames
Brightly I burn
In the hopes that tomorrow
Will bring 'round the gentle wind that will soothe
Brightly I burn
And nightly I wait

When comes the morning I know
The time comes to turn off the rivers of flame
That burn brightly within my heart